As I can remember I’ve been pretty introverted. I’m confident with people I’m really comfortable with but other people terrify me. A few hours of social interaction leaves me exhausted in a way that I struggle to describe. I don’t mean like I just ran around a field for an hour, more like I just did mental maths for an hour. Some days I see my friend’s face light up my phone screen and the idea of answering makes my insides knot up into a fist. Yet some days I call just to check ‘is it normal for my vagina to do this?’ whilst also explaining the issue in far too much detail. It’s not that I don’t love them, just that some days I’m so tired.
When I came to University I pushed through this and immersed myself in the student culture as much as possible. It completely exhausted me and as I spent more and more nights out with my new friends I spent more and more days in bed trying to recover and I’m not just talking about hangovers. Eventually I accepted there was no point in forcing myself to be somebody I’m not and began only accepting invitations to things I really wanted to go to. Suddenly I found myself with far less friends, going to far less social events … but felt more mentally and physically stable than ever. I had more energy to get things done that I needed, like care for myself and see friends I really cared about. I thought I had cracked it.
But now I’m wondering whether I’ve taken only accepting invitations to things I really want to go a little too far. My life is almost entirely comprised of working, looking for more work, cleaning, eating or at the gym. From tomorrow I’ll be squeezing studying in aswell and as a result, socialising ranks very low on my list of priorities. Until recently this was okay with me but now more and more I’m finding myself watching people’s Instagram stories and feeling like I’m wasting the best years of my life.
Have I become too adult before I should? Since finishing my first year of University I can count the number of nights out I have been on with my fingers. Should I be doing crazy things I shouldn’t and making embarrassing memories before its too late? I want to do these things but the idea of actually doing it is all too much. I feel as though at the moment I’m stuck between my friends being wild and taking the morning after pill on the regular whilst some of my other friends are getting engaged and buying houses. Where do I fit in? I don’t know, that’s what scares me.
Is a 21-years-old life crisis a thing? If so I think I’m having one. I’m scared I’m not living my life as much as possible whilst worrying about credit scores and pensions and whether somebody might try to push me into a social event I’m not prepared for. Should I push through the fear and tiredness and go out before it really is too late to be wild? Or do I do what feels comfortable and focus on building a future? I don’t know that either.
I guess there’s no point to this, I’m just kinda word vomiting my feelings in a Cady Heron type fashion. So, I’ll just leave it there for now.